Buttercups in Bloom

Expectations come in many forms and in many degrees. Christmas Day is one of those days that brings with it a weight of expectations. Expectations about what one might receive; the sugar plums dancing in one’s head and heart. The day is filled with rising to joy and celebrations as gifts are unwrapped and as stories begin to unfold.  It brings with it a weight of specific family traditions that define what Christmas means.  The tradition of the room being filled with the smell sausage pinwheels cooking in the oven as we move from opening stockings to diving into the larger gifts.  Maybe your tradition is that breakfast casserole  you’ve eaten since you were a child and are now making for your own children or grandchildren.  Christmas break brings with it the weight of time spent with family; days in which you expect board games to be played; lounging around in the morning enjoying conversation before the plans of the day fully unfold.  Christmas Day and the days to follow are spent i

Incarnation; a person who embodies or exhibits some specific quality or idea. Today the fog has been heavy on the mountain, it is as if the sun never rose above the horizon.  My heart was a bit heavy as I made my way through the morning.  What should have been a day of excitement and anticipation; joy ringing through the house was a day of methodically walking through a very long list.  The list was filled with gathering specific items for work, kitchen utensils that I might need in order to prepare dishes away from the comforts of my own kitchen, trying to discern the types of clothes that I need over a long period of time away from home, cooking meals that can merely be reheated throughout the week.  Two days ago we received news that Emma's care team wants to move her into partial residential which is a way of beginning to expose her to being back in a real-life setting. It's kind of fascinating because they don't want her to feel overwhelmed with having to make all

The alarm never went off because I was already awake. The sky was gray and yet every so often the sun tried to peak out. “What Unites Us” by Dan Rather was being played through the speakers in the car. Conversations with my dad as we made our way together to see Emma for the first time after admitting her to McCallum Place on Monday, December 4th. Moments of brutal honesty that gave a sliver of light that perhaps something was being heard and a clink in the armor of defense might have been made.  Watching and listening, wondering if the slightest bit of self confidence was slinking into her heart and mind. Therapist that see and hear what you see and hear.  A team of physicians gathered around your child wanting the best for her as they stay longer than the allotted time (even being late to pick up their own children from aftercare or daycare) to lead your child out of fear into faith. Being told that Emma was eligible for two passes.  Two hours on Friday, just en

I'm not sure why but today has been hard.  My mind is rushing to and fro and will not settle down to concentrate on the task at hand...the sermon that has to be spoken on Sunday morning. Even as I type this short blog, my hands are flying across the keyboard at a much faster rate than they have been in the past several hours trying to capture the words that God wants me to proclaim to our congregation during this season. It's the stupid things that have gotten me today, not sure why but the wave that comes over you when you know life is different.  It started with going into the laundry room.  For the past year or so we've had laminated sheets with directions on how to wash different loads of laundry hanging on a ring from the rack over our washer and dryer.  I put them there so that Emma would stop asking how to do the simple task and maybe just maybe it would come a bit more naturally with her and she would remember how to take care of stuff.  Before Emma left, she aske

I remember the first time I ever went rappelling.  It was both terrifying and exhilarating. The first step is tricky because everything in your being is telling you that you shouldn't be hanging off a cliff backward, leaning perpendicular to the cliff.  Then there is a part of you whispering, give this a try; go ahead and step off the cliff.  You stand there with palms sweating, heart racing and your mind willing you trust the ropes that have been strategically and methodically placed. Letting go and trusting propels you off the side of the cliff into the glorious adventure of swinging out into the open air, watching the ropes bend to bring you back to the rock where when you trust the process your feet land just right and you get to pause and look around at the beauty that is before you. Each time that you swing out and release a bit of the rope, you find that trusting comes a bit easier.  Every time your feet hit the rock you gain confidence in your abilities. Anyone that des

During this time of year, we begin thinking about where we will be spending Christmas. We think of waking up in the excitement of our children or grandchildren.  We think of watching the eyes of those we love beam as we open gifts gathered around a tree strung with warm glowing lights.  We talk about what we'll be eating and which family member will be bringing which item.  We coordinate schedules so that we can get to this Grandma's house and that Papa's house or which parent will have the kids which days of Christmas Holiday.  It is a day in which we sing I'll be home for Christmas thinking about the comfort that 'home' brings. When our journey with Emma began several weeks ago we shed tears about how the holidays would be different yet as the hours turned into weeks the sad emotions gave way to something different.  A knowing came over us that while we would not be in our home under the glow of the lights and the enchantment that comes with the opening of a

We are educated. We have resources and are resourceful We have each other. We have a huge circle of people enveloping us and loving on us. This morning on the way to our appointment with Emma’s counselor I was texting a fiend and in the midst of the conversation I shared with her how thankful we were for our mental health benefits.  She works ‘in the system’ and just shared how many parents feel hopeless when their child needs mental health assistance and do not have the funds.  My heart sank for all of those who are unable to walk the same road to wholeness that we are on. This road is not for the faint of heart.  Just getting here to St. Louis...to McCallum place took a lot of research, hours on the phone in conversation with several different places in order to find the right fit, countless emails back and forth with our questions and even more phone calls to insurance probing, advocating and seeking help in an area that we didnt’ know much about.   Luke and I

For those of you who have taken the time to read this let me begin my saying that it’s not my normal blog but it’s the fastest and most efficient way to reach out to many people at once. Today was the day. We had been waiting for this day to arrive for three weeks and today we finally got to take a small step forward. What I am about to share isn’t anything that Emma doesn’t share herself. At the tender age of 13 Emma was diagnosed with OCD.  OCD wedges it’s way into the brain and creates an act that the person must do in order to feel safe.  The compulsion must be completed before the person can move forward.  In OCD a person’s brain literally becomes disordered and the person must work against the disorder everyday in order to live a healthy life.  Unfortunately, as one compulsion is given up for another, the person can often form an dis-ordered way of eating and a dis-ordered relationship with food.  Dis-ordered eating is as dangerous as any other addiction. Three weeks ag

We live in a world where looks are everything. When we see someone who is skinny we believe they are determined. When we see someone who is skinny we believe that they are athletic. When we see someone who is skinny we say how beautiful they are, how wonderful they look. When we see someone who is overweight we believe they are lazy. When we see someone who is overweight we believe they don't exercise. When we see someone who is overweight we believe that they aren't that attractive. Our size seems to say something about our determination, how athletic we are and how beautiful we are and so much more. We make judgments about someone based on their size.  How many of you have looked at someone who is larger than you and made a quick judgment about them?  Be honest, think about your first impression.  Size does not always reveal the entire story of what is happening within a person's heart, soul, and mind. This year I've lost about 16 pounds.  Over t

Walking. Putting one foot in front of the other. Wanting to rush, to finish as quickly as you can. Head down and determined to get to the other side of the path. I’ve been hiking the same trails for several years now, yet for the past 8 months, my feet have not hit the trails.   Recently I stepped out of my car with trepidation and began putting one walking, putting one foot in front of the other.   Even though I have hiked the trails more times than I can count, in all seasons of the year and both in the day and night with my head lamp shining the other day was a bit different. I realized that I was tense and was hiking with my head down.   I was cautious of every step that I was taking, not wanting to fall.   Then I did something that I didn’t want to do, I looked up. I stopped looking so intently at the ground and found a more comforting scene enveloping me.   When I looked up, I was able to see the rays of beautiful light shining through the dark trees.

White Middle Class Female The beginning of something new. It all started in 5th grade and I remember it all too well. The impact came in 6th grade. Standing in front of our house early in the morning waiting for the bus on the first day of school.  The ride no longer took a mere 30 minutes it took almost an hour.  We sat in silence on the long ride to our new school.  We walked into a new school where we were now the stranger.  We were the foreigners in a foreign land.  Bus riders were the white students and the walkers were the African American students.  This was their school, their territory.    Five classrooms were in a 'pod' without permanent walls, no doors, tables instead of desks.  Division and glaring looks at the 'other' permeated throughout the classroom.  Us and them...the white kids and the black kids.   Something beautiful was both offered and received.  Students sat putting their tick marks on their voting cards.  A new mascot and s

A day off. Lunch with mom and Emma at the trendy Chocolate Covered Strawberry (where no matter what you order you always have a beautiful chocolate covered strawberry sitting on the side of your plate ready for you to devour at the end of your meal). A detour into JP2 to see a couple of our favorite people.  We were quickly welcomed by the new head of school, ran into a few people and got to hug two people that we love and adore.  JP2 was our extended family for 10 years and walking through the doors was like going home. We love the faculty and staff, it was the place where I could sit in worship and not worry about anything else.  It was the place where Emma could roam the halls with other faculty kids and run free on a Friday night during football season.  It was a community that loved us when I was a stay at home mom.  We celebrated with other faculty members as our children started pre-k and began making their way through elementary.  JP2 was our extended family. From JP2 to

Today I returned to the mad scientist. I'm not gonna lie, I was a bit anxious this morning about what the day would bring. I had to repeat the taste/smell and salvia test that I performed on Friday.  More blood was drawn. Then came the crazy magnetic procedure. I sat with my feet uncrossed on the ground, comfortable in a chair and my hands in a natural position.  I had to identify a smell in the room (of course there were two things that I could smell but couldn't fully identify).  The Dr began by placing the magnetic wand near what I could call my left collar bone.  After each 'pulsing' series he stops and asks me to identify the smell, the percentage at which I can smell it and if is unpleasant, pleasant or neutral.  He moves it to the left collar bone are, then my neck and up onto different positions on my head. OK, so it's not the most pleasant thing to have done, it doesn't really hurt per-sa but oh my goodness is it STRANGE.  It moves the muscles i

When I realized that I needed to come to Washington DC for a series of specific test in hopes of finding some answers for my distorted smell and taste I thought of some very specific family.  Our paths have crossed many times over the past 20 + years.  I reached out to them in hopes that I could stay with them.  They of course welcomed me into their already full lives. When I landed on Thursday I had a picture of the refrigerator. The refrigerator was filled with colorful tubs of the yogurt that they knew I could eat over the next several days.  This was just the beginning of a wonderful weekend.  Ike, Jan, Josie and Keeler welcomed me into their lives and made me feel at home; like someone who had been part of their family for some time. As we sat together that first night Jan and Ike listened to the crazy journey that I've been on and just opened themselves up for whatever I needed in order to feel at ease with all that I needed to walk through. They were constantly inquiri

It is fascinating how interconnected everything in our body truly is.  One small thing has the power to alter one major thing. I'm not gonna' lie the doctors office this morning was like walking back into a time warp.  The instruments were not the new shiny kind with lots of bells and whistles.  Instead they were dull, the kind of dull that tells you that they are well worn, used for specific purposes over and over.  The Doctor himself looked like a bit of a mad scientist with a tie and shirt that didn't really match, his tie skewed just enough to make him appear a bit unkept.  He spoke softly and gently, stopping me when the information wasn't that important or assuring me we would get to that when I had jumped ahead. Taking blood from my seem to be second hat, as if he had done it a million times over, which I am sure he has.  No gloves, I think because there isn't any fear of getting a disease and that it reminds us all that we are in it together. Over and o

Yesterday morning I sat in worship listening to a gifted colleague lead us to a deeper understanding of God's holiness and the call upon our lives as apprentices of Jesus. She was poised.                  Calm                     Dilberate                         Filled with calmness                           Bold                               Courageous             She was filled with God's spirit.  Her words powerful As I sat and listened I wondered if my own preaching and leadership immulated the holiness that I was witnessing.  I wanted to have what she had. In a twist of events Emma happened to be sitting next to me in this worship service and at the end she turned to me and said "Mom, you two are basically the same person."  I smiled and breathed a sigh of relief that there is a part of me that shines the light of Christ in such a way that others are invited in. Then I asked her one question (because who of us doesn't want to know

I'm packing for a four-day trip to Washington DC. I've been waiting for some time for this trip. It's not for pleasure, this trip has a very specific purpose. Usually, I'm a very efficient packer and can have my bag ready to go in a blink of an eye. I never worry if I'm forgetting something or I'll have enough clothes. I just know what to pack and how to pack it. But today feels different, it feels like I'm packing for an extended trip in a far off land. I have lots of moving parts to this short trip. It's not the navigating the Metro or calling Uber for a lift. The moving parts are making sure that I have all my paperwork in order.  It's not just making sure I have my photo ID for my flight, this trip is about ensuring that I have my 3-day food journal filled out with as many details as possible.  I have to make sure that several previous specific tests have been sent and faxed in.  I have to make sure that I have the address of the place

Yesterday there were four beautiful old trees on our property at church but today has a different view. After worship, I headed out with a group of young adults for lunch and as we made our way back to the church property, the backhoe was being delivered and set into place to begin the tree removal this morning.   This morning as I drove around the back side of campus like I always do I was in awe of the one tree that had already been taken down. The grass that was so beautiful yesterday had already been crushed under the heavy equipment used to delicately remove the trees without disturbing the buildings. Tree limbs lay scattered over the property. These are not tiny trees that they are uprooting these are trees that have their roots in the ground for well over 100 years.  Before we knew it, a second tree was down and covering our entire parking lot.  The morning was moving quickly as the men worked with skill and precision to remove the trees that had to be taken down in ord

As followers of Jesus we rarely talk about the seasons in our lives when our souls are dry. We keep going through the motions but it seems as though nothing will quench the thirst.  The words on the pages are just that; words.  The scriptures seem hallow and flat as if there were written for someone else and some other situation. We read yet nothing sticks.  We journal yet our soul longs for more.  We go to worship and sing hymns yet our souls miss the movement of the music.  We bow to pray and our minds are blank. If we were honest with one another we would confess that our souls are dry, that all the nourishment has left our soul and that we are weary.  Yet, alas we remain silent, walking into church, studying in our small groups as if we are perfectly filled and that all is well. Let me share with you that you are not alone.  Last year I worked really hard with the church to fulfill our 5 year long term goals and am currently working our leadership team in new and exciting way

Today is one of the most somber days of our Christian year. A day in which we gather together for a service penitence.  A service in which we connect to the sorrow that we have caused others.  It is a time of looking within the depths of our being to acknowledge the places where we have walked away from God, separated ourselves from God's purpose for our lives, and to confess the ways that we have chosen our selves over God and others. For many Christians around the world, it is a time to give something up.  A time in which the dust that is placed on our foreheads in the stillness of the service reminds us that we are being called to remove the unwanted from our lives.  In year's past I have tried to focus on trying to take on a spiritual practice that I might not normally do within my daily routine and yet somehow something is different within my being this year (this season). Recently, I've been thinking about Lent in terms of the characteristics that I possess rath

Yesterday I was in a meeting with people I love and while we were working through the details of the event someone jokingly said, yeah I'm OCD about that.  I felt my heart sink.  I knew that the phrase carries with it a complex layering of emotions and rules that cannot be merely dismissed. I knew everyone laughed and we all knew what that meant.  It meant that we had a finite way of approaching that particular area.  We've all heard it, we've used it as a way to dismiss a sense of rigidity in our organization, time and schedules.  I'm a person of structure, organization and schedules and in the past I've used the term myself but in the last year, I've come to understand I can no longer use the simple acronym as a way to describe my personality. The things that you cannot are the very things that are impacting the person's everyday existence. OCD is deeper than someone holding onto every single piece of trash, purchasing items that may seem useless an