Buttercups in Bloom

Expectations come in many forms and in many degrees. Christmas Day is one of those days that brings with it a weight of expectations. Expectations about what one might receive; the sugar plums dancing in one’s head and heart. The day is filled with rising to joy and celebrations as gifts are unwrapped and as stories begin to unfold.  It brings with it a weight of specific family traditions that define what Christmas means.  The tradition of the room being filled with the smell sausage pinwheels cooking in the oven as we move from opening stockings to diving into the larger gifts.  Maybe your tradition is that breakfast casserole  you’ve eaten since you were a child and are now making for your own children or grandchildren.  Christmas break brings with it the weight of time spent with family; days in which you expect board games to be played; lounging around in the morning enjoying conversation before the plans of the day fully unfold.  Christmas Day and the days to follow are spent i

Incarnation; a person who embodies or exhibits some specific quality or idea. Today the fog has been heavy on the mountain, it is as if the sun never rose above the horizon.  My heart was a bit heavy as I made my way through the morning.  What should have been a day of excitement and anticipation; joy ringing through the house was a day of methodically walking through a very long list.  The list was filled with gathering specific items for work, kitchen utensils that I might need in order to prepare dishes away from the comforts of my own kitchen, trying to discern the types of clothes that I need over a long period of time away from home, cooking meals that can merely be reheated throughout the week.  Two days ago we received news that Emma's care team wants to move her into partial residential which is a way of beginning to expose her to being back in a real-life setting. It's kind of fascinating because they don't want her to feel overwhelmed with having to make all

The alarm never went off because I was already awake. The sky was gray and yet every so often the sun tried to peak out. “What Unites Us” by Dan Rather was being played through the speakers in the car. Conversations with my dad as we made our way together to see Emma for the first time after admitting her to McCallum Place on Monday, December 4th. Moments of brutal honesty that gave a sliver of light that perhaps something was being heard and a clink in the armor of defense might have been made.  Watching and listening, wondering if the slightest bit of self confidence was slinking into her heart and mind. Therapist that see and hear what you see and hear.  A team of physicians gathered around your child wanting the best for her as they stay longer than the allotted time (even being late to pick up their own children from aftercare or daycare) to lead your child out of fear into faith. Being told that Emma was eligible for two passes.  Two hours on Friday, just en

I'm not sure why but today has been hard.  My mind is rushing to and fro and will not settle down to concentrate on the task at hand...the sermon that has to be spoken on Sunday morning. Even as I type this short blog, my hands are flying across the keyboard at a much faster rate than they have been in the past several hours trying to capture the words that God wants me to proclaim to our congregation during this season. It's the stupid things that have gotten me today, not sure why but the wave that comes over you when you know life is different.  It started with going into the laundry room.  For the past year or so we've had laminated sheets with directions on how to wash different loads of laundry hanging on a ring from the rack over our washer and dryer.  I put them there so that Emma would stop asking how to do the simple task and maybe just maybe it would come a bit more naturally with her and she would remember how to take care of stuff.  Before Emma left, she aske

I remember the first time I ever went rappelling.  It was both terrifying and exhilarating. The first step is tricky because everything in your being is telling you that you shouldn't be hanging off a cliff backward, leaning perpendicular to the cliff.  Then there is a part of you whispering, give this a try; go ahead and step off the cliff.  You stand there with palms sweating, heart racing and your mind willing you trust the ropes that have been strategically and methodically placed. Letting go and trusting propels you off the side of the cliff into the glorious adventure of swinging out into the open air, watching the ropes bend to bring you back to the rock where when you trust the process your feet land just right and you get to pause and look around at the beauty that is before you. Each time that you swing out and release a bit of the rope, you find that trusting comes a bit easier.  Every time your feet hit the rock you gain confidence in your abilities. Anyone that des

During this time of year, we begin thinking about where we will be spending Christmas. We think of waking up in the excitement of our children or grandchildren.  We think of watching the eyes of those we love beam as we open gifts gathered around a tree strung with warm glowing lights.  We talk about what we'll be eating and which family member will be bringing which item.  We coordinate schedules so that we can get to this Grandma's house and that Papa's house or which parent will have the kids which days of Christmas Holiday.  It is a day in which we sing I'll be home for Christmas thinking about the comfort that 'home' brings. When our journey with Emma began several weeks ago we shed tears about how the holidays would be different yet as the hours turned into weeks the sad emotions gave way to something different.  A knowing came over us that while we would not be in our home under the glow of the lights and the enchantment that comes with the opening of a

We are educated. We have resources and are resourceful We have each other. We have a huge circle of people enveloping us and loving on us. This morning on the way to our appointment with Emma’s counselor I was texting a fiend and in the midst of the conversation I shared with her how thankful we were for our mental health benefits.  She works ‘in the system’ and just shared how many parents feel hopeless when their child needs mental health assistance and do not have the funds.  My heart sank for all of those who are unable to walk the same road to wholeness that we are on. This road is not for the faint of heart.  Just getting here to St. Louis...to McCallum place took a lot of research, hours on the phone in conversation with several different places in order to find the right fit, countless emails back and forth with our questions and even more phone calls to insurance probing, advocating and seeking help in an area that we didnt’ know much about.   Luke and I

For those of you who have taken the time to read this let me begin my saying that it’s not my normal blog but it’s the fastest and most efficient way to reach out to many people at once. Today was the day. We had been waiting for this day to arrive for three weeks and today we finally got to take a small step forward. What I am about to share isn’t anything that Emma doesn’t share herself. At the tender age of 13 Emma was diagnosed with OCD.  OCD wedges it’s way into the brain and creates an act that the person must do in order to feel safe.  The compulsion must be completed before the person can move forward.  In OCD a person’s brain literally becomes disordered and the person must work against the disorder everyday in order to live a healthy life.  Unfortunately, as one compulsion is given up for another, the person can often form an dis-ordered way of eating and a dis-ordered relationship with food.  Dis-ordered eating is as dangerous as any other addiction. Three weeks ag