Forgiveness.....reconciliation
This week we've been faced with a difficult situation. The situation has moved me from sadness to frustration and back to sadness.
Earlier this week one of E's friends came to her to tell her that a video; in which she and another student were the center point {they were merely laughing and being silly but still, privacy was breached}, was making its rounds within a group of kids at school. She and the other student immediately went to the Dean of Student Life to share their story. They shared that they felt violated and felt as if they had been the target of misconduct by another student. Our hearts sank, we worried about our kid, we were filled with sadness that this place that had provided her new life and a new beginning had suddenly been tarnished. This safe place had not provided safety, it had been the arena of cruelty and one again she might find herself on the outside looking in.
We leaned into the reality that E had not sat back, she had taken the matter to someone that she trusted and spoken her truth. She had been courageous and brave in not letting this matter pass.
We waffled between being angry and frustrated at the poor choice that the other students had made. We sat in thankfulness that the school took the matter seriously and were willing to investigate how the video originated.
The call came from the Dean of Students with the acknowledgment that they knew where the video had originated. The matter was serious enough for the students to receive a suspension. Then the news came about who the students were. Our hearts sank, we knew one of the students. The kid is not a bad kid and yet he had made a really bad decision.
We found ourselves waffling again. Parents standing to protect their child. Parents feeling for the other two students who had made a stupid decision. Our instinct was to reconcile; to reach out to the parents to say that we understood how someone could make a stupid decision and immediately wipe away the discomfort.
Then there came a pause.
A pause because it is not ours to completely forgive and reconcile. It is our child's journey to walk through and to find peace with. It is not ours to dismiss the heartache, the feelings of discomfort, the emotions of someone who has been wronged.
As people who seek to do good in this world, forgiveness, and reconciliation are difficult. We cannot merely jump to reconciliation when we have not been the one to experience shame, to make the difficult decision to speak out when speaking out might lead to its own repercussions and the one who has felt all eyes upon them.
What we can do is continue to lead by example. To show that we are waffling between moving toward forgiveness and reconciliation in regard to these individuals and yet sharing anger at what has occurred. We can show mercy in the midst of continuing to hold them accountable, ensuring that their actions do have consequences. We do not have to make excuses for their behavior but we can speak to the reality that this is a situation in which the kids have an opportunity to experience growth as an individual. We can help provide a place that as the kids apologize accepting their apology does not mean that healing from embarrassment or shame has to come immediately.
Sometimes we want to fight a battle for someone, we want them to move on and get over a situation so that we all feel more comfortable but the reality is that forgiveness and reconciliation are a process. There is no direct route and no specific timeline in which to follow. We must be willing to let all parties feel and take responsibility for what has occurred.
Forgiveness and reconciliation have to be processed.
Are you trying to sprint to reconciliation because it would make things more comfortable for you? Are you rushing to forgive without allowing the consequences of someone else's actions to be held accountable?
Maybe today in the life of seeking forgiveness we need to simply pause.
Pause to hear the heartache.
Pause to let the victim's voice to be heard.
Pause to create a safe space for all persons.
Pause to hear the breath of God flow upon us.
Pause to let the power of the Spirit bind us together in a new way.
{Our wonderful school is a safe place. They have provided a layer of listening, taken seriously the actions of kids who make poor decisions, and reached out to us as parents and our teenager throughout this week. They too balance how to forgive students and reconcile situations while letting those who are victims feel what they need to feel. We are thankful to be in a place that tends to the whole person.}
Earlier this week one of E's friends came to her to tell her that a video; in which she and another student were the center point {they were merely laughing and being silly but still, privacy was breached}, was making its rounds within a group of kids at school. She and the other student immediately went to the Dean of Student Life to share their story. They shared that they felt violated and felt as if they had been the target of misconduct by another student. Our hearts sank, we worried about our kid, we were filled with sadness that this place that had provided her new life and a new beginning had suddenly been tarnished. This safe place had not provided safety, it had been the arena of cruelty and one again she might find herself on the outside looking in.
We leaned into the reality that E had not sat back, she had taken the matter to someone that she trusted and spoken her truth. She had been courageous and brave in not letting this matter pass.
We waffled between being angry and frustrated at the poor choice that the other students had made. We sat in thankfulness that the school took the matter seriously and were willing to investigate how the video originated.
The call came from the Dean of Students with the acknowledgment that they knew where the video had originated. The matter was serious enough for the students to receive a suspension. Then the news came about who the students were. Our hearts sank, we knew one of the students. The kid is not a bad kid and yet he had made a really bad decision.
We found ourselves waffling again. Parents standing to protect their child. Parents feeling for the other two students who had made a stupid decision. Our instinct was to reconcile; to reach out to the parents to say that we understood how someone could make a stupid decision and immediately wipe away the discomfort.
Then there came a pause.
A pause because it is not ours to completely forgive and reconcile. It is our child's journey to walk through and to find peace with. It is not ours to dismiss the heartache, the feelings of discomfort, the emotions of someone who has been wronged.
As people who seek to do good in this world, forgiveness, and reconciliation are difficult. We cannot merely jump to reconciliation when we have not been the one to experience shame, to make the difficult decision to speak out when speaking out might lead to its own repercussions and the one who has felt all eyes upon them.
What we can do is continue to lead by example. To show that we are waffling between moving toward forgiveness and reconciliation in regard to these individuals and yet sharing anger at what has occurred. We can show mercy in the midst of continuing to hold them accountable, ensuring that their actions do have consequences. We do not have to make excuses for their behavior but we can speak to the reality that this is a situation in which the kids have an opportunity to experience growth as an individual. We can help provide a place that as the kids apologize accepting their apology does not mean that healing from embarrassment or shame has to come immediately.
Sometimes we want to fight a battle for someone, we want them to move on and get over a situation so that we all feel more comfortable but the reality is that forgiveness and reconciliation are a process. There is no direct route and no specific timeline in which to follow. We must be willing to let all parties feel and take responsibility for what has occurred.
Forgiveness and reconciliation have to be processed.
Are you trying to sprint to reconciliation because it would make things more comfortable for you? Are you rushing to forgive without allowing the consequences of someone else's actions to be held accountable?
Maybe today in the life of seeking forgiveness we need to simply pause.
Pause to hear the heartache.
Pause to let the victim's voice to be heard.
Pause to create a safe space for all persons.
Pause to hear the breath of God flow upon us.
Pause to let the power of the Spirit bind us together in a new way.
{Our wonderful school is a safe place. They have provided a layer of listening, taken seriously the actions of kids who make poor decisions, and reached out to us as parents and our teenager throughout this week. They too balance how to forgive students and reconcile situations while letting those who are victims feel what they need to feel. We are thankful to be in a place that tends to the whole person.}
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